016 103 684 5 



Hollinger Corp. 
pH 8.5 



AS ADVERTISED 

A Farce in One Act 



A^ 



By 

CLAUDE KINNICK 



With Acknowledgments 

to 

THE ATLANTIC MONTHLY 

Volume 126, Page 425 






Copyright, 1921, by Claude Kinnick 



All rights reserved 



Both professional and amateur stage rights in this play are re- 
served; possession of the play does not carry with it the right 
of production. For rights and terms correspondence should be 
addressed to 

Claude Kinnick, Alliance, Ohio 



Attention is called to the penalties provided by law for any 
infringements of the author's rights, as follows: 

"Sec 4966.^— Any person publicly performing or representing 
any dramatic or musical composition for which copyright has been 
obtained, without the consent of the proprietor of said dramatic or 
musical composition, or his heirs and assigns, shall be liable for 
damages therefor, such damages in all cases to be assessed at such 
sum, not less than one hundred dollars for the first and fifty dol- 
lars for every subsequent performance, as to the court shall appear 
to be just. If the unlawful performance and representation be 
wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty of a 
misdemeanor, and upon conviction be imprisoned for a period not 
exceeding one year." 

U. S. Revised Statues, Titles 5o, Chap. 3. 

Published bv the Author 



OCLD 5 9;H0 



TMP96-0065S 



-V-^ ( 




The Scene is the kitchen tind back porch <>f the Forbes 
residence. The •wall between tlie kitciien and tlie porch ex- 
tends from up stag'e to 3-4 the way down stage and is 3-5 
of the distance from left. The back kitchen door i.s middle. 
Tlie fbior <>[ the kitchen is eight inches hig-her than that of 
the ix)rch. Klectiic rang-e down left; sink middle left; door 
to front ui) left; kitchen cabinet ami I'.igli stool left up; 
window and two chairs iniddle ui); teleidione (jn the wall 
down from back door; kitchen taijle middle down; garments 
and utensils on table, cabinet, and sink, Mrs. Forbes having' 
pi'epared to do some dyeing; a l)ox 'I's'l'xlVz', two tires 
with tvdjes, ;in extra tul)e. and othei- accessories and tools 
disposed al)oiit tlie p<»ich middle and down right; kitchen 
utensils hanging on porcli wall up; electric meter on porch 
wall down; entrance to porch from street right up. 



CHARACTERS 

Daniel Forbes, Professor of Greek, College 

Helen Forbes, his wife 
First Dye Woman 
Second Dye Woman 
Third Dye Woman 
First Tire Man 
Second Tire Man 
]\Ieter Man 
Grocer Boy 



AS ADVERTISED 



(Curtain discovers FOliUKS \voi-]\ing \igorously and 
clumsily, trying- to take a tiie off the lim. HEIvEN is dis- 
posing' some g'arments al)out the room on the table and 
cabinet, placing water on to heat, singing- softly the while. 
She goes out on to uorch middle ui) and takes a large 
enameled pan from the wall.) 



FORBES — Just washing the dishes, honey? I'll throw all this 
up and come in and dry them. 

HELEN — Ten-thirty and breakfast dishes unwashed? No, Sir! 
They were washed long ago. 

FORBES — What's going on now? 

HELEN — Oh, I'm just going to dye some tihings. 

(Starting- to go into tlie Kitclien.) 

FORBES — W'liy don't you ha\e the dye house do the work? 
They will do it clieapli\- and quickl\,-, and (pajdon t'he inference) 
make tjhe garn-ients look like new. 

HELEN — Tliank you!!! You are very proud to have me do 

pastel work, play the piano, act tlie Iiostess, or read a paper before 
t|he Fortnightly Club, but wlien I once start to do the real work 
of a woi-i-ian, — to take care oi my own baliy, cook the meals, mend 
the clotihing, and everything, you wonder in your idyllic way what 
nurses and sihops and maids and laundries and everything are for. 
You have no idea how many leaks there might be in a professor's 
small salary. 

FORBES — i-'lease don't do it. Your 1 auds will ))e all red and 

black; and besides Wliere is last night's paper? If you will 

find it, I'll show you what's what. 

(HELEN goes out door up left and letiuns with the 
paper. ■Meanwliile FORBES struggles with his tire.) 

HELEN — Here it is, dear. 

FORBES— 

(Turning- pages of paper, nuittering-;) 

Excelsior Laundry and Dyeing Company— Excelsior — here it is! 
(Reads) 



DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR OLD CLOTHES 

WE CAN ]\L'\KE THEM LOOK Ln<:E NEW 

French Dry Cleaning — the most 

improved processes employed 

DYEING A SPECL^LTY LOOK AT OUR WINDOW 
WHEN PASSING 

Telephone 2247 

We call for the goods 
We deliver the goods 

Now what do you say, Ootsie Wootsie? Just take down the 
receiver and say: DOUBLE TWO - FOUR - SEVEN. 

HELEN — Well, since at this moment you are practising so 
admirably what you preach, I yield. (He all the time is busying 
himself about his repairing. She calls): DOUBLE FOUR -TWO - 

SEVEN Hello call at 358 College Avenue for some garments 

to be cleaned and dyed — -pardon — what?— The Berkshire Swine 
Breeders' Association!! — (Hangs up. FORBES laughs) That oper- 
ator! Wanted the laundry and she ga\e me the Swine Breeders'! 
What was that number, Danny? 

FORBES — Why couldn't that stupid girl know you wanted 
DOUBLE TWO - FOUR - SEVEN when you said DOULE FOUR - 
TWO - SEVEN? 

HELEN— Oh, well— (At the telephone) DOUBLE TWO - FOUR 
- SEVEN — Who is t/his, pleasei? — Well, call at 358 College 
Avenue for some garments to be cleaned and dyed — yes — thank 
you — good-bye.« 

Now, my formidable logician, what about that repairing? 
(FORBES mashes his finger.) 

The garage is much better equipped for such work, and be- 
sides, I really believe that you don't know how to do it. 

FORBES — I have to learn. You give mighty poor encourage- 
ment. Gasoline up to thirty-four and a .'lalf, tires out of sight, re- 
pairing beyond all reasonable bounds — the automobile is already 
costing more than the baby! 

HELEN — Why, you horrid thing! (Takes the paper) Now look 
here: 



ENTERPRISE TIRE CO. 

Don't throw away your old tires 

We repair what you would think impossible 

RE-SOLING RE-LINING VULCANIZING 

Our non-skid re-sole makes your woirn out casing 

as good as new. 4000 more miles guaranteed 

Prices very lov 

Tihat's what elaborate machinery 

and skilled workmen mean 

LET OUR SERVICE SYSTEM BE YOUR SERVANT 

You can make much more money writing lor the magazine. Let n]C 
call up the garage. 

FORBES — I guess you're right, Helen. Anyhow, I might just 
as wellj give in first as last. (Getting up) I'll teleplhone them. 
(Goes to the telephone) — 4-5 — Hello — Is this Enterprise Tire 
Company? — This is Mr. Forbes, 358 College Avenue — Will you 
call for some tires and an extra tube — yes, to be repaired — any 
time — they're ready now — aU right • — good-bye. 

(FORBES return.s to the porch; exit HKLKN left; Ml!:TER 
MAN enter.s I'ig-ht ii]i; he is .Tbout 4 and iUy gioonied*) 

M. M. — Hello, Professor; Iiave you resigned and gone into the 
garodge business? You could begin to make some money, if you 
had. 

FORBES — Tihat's funny. My wife has just convinced me ihat I 
couldn't. 

(Still trying- to take the tire off the rim. METKR MAN 
read.s the meter, entering- record in his liook.) 

M. M. — Did you ever try our wonderful electric vulca,nizer, 
Prof? 

FORBES— No, Sir,, I haven't. There you want to mulcU me for 
more handsome dividends. Your new electric range already keeps 
tihat meter hot. I've just robbed you in favor of the dye house. 
It's betwixt and between which one of you would gather in the 
largest profits. You public utilities i>eople keep a poor salaried 
man between Scylla and C'harybdis all the time! 

M. M. — -Where's that? I've lived in this town for thirty-five 
years, and I never heard of tihem streets! 



(FORBES restrains laughter; noise of .uitoniolule stop- 
ing: in front.) 

FORBES — The town hasn't annexed them; 1\a\en't heen sur- 
veyed yet. 

(Exit METER MAN; FIR.ST DYE WOMAN enters; slie is 
middle-agred, tali, slender, and rather cada\'erous in appear- 
ance. FORBIC'S pounding' has prevented him liej.ring- her 
approach. She pauses, looks around, and stanils in uncer- 
tainty. FORBES becon.es aware of lier presence and gives 
a startled jump and an "Oli," 'then rises; she uflei-s apol- 
gies; he rises and ))ows profoundly.) 

FORBES — I beg your pardon, Madam I was unaware of your 
approach. 

F. D. W. — Tlie blame's all mine, Mister. Are you tiie people 
that telephoned about some clothes to be dyed? 

FORBES— Yes, Madam; I'll call Mrs. Forbes (At the door) Oh, 
Hel- 

(taut interrupts her name midway ))y overturning' a lialf- 
g'allon open can with a little oil in it; he sets aliout mopping' 
up the oil with rags.) 

HELEN— 

(Appearing' on the scene, much i^ei'lurlied; sho has nfit 
yet seen tlie F. D. W., who cannot conee;il liei- amused loidc.) 

Why, Danny! I no\'er heard you use such language before in 
my life! (Seeing the F. D. W., she is more aghast still, but quickly 
changes the subject) Oh! good morning! (Greetings mutual) Did 

you caljl for those garments to be dyed? 

F. D. W. — Yes,, Mrs. Forbes.. Are l.hey ready? I ha,ve lots of 
'em to get^h&r up, so Fd like to g'et 'em right away. 

HELEN — Yes, they're all here in the kitchen. Come in. (They 
examine the garments on the table) Now, here is the baby's white 
wool cloak. H's a little soiled, and I think I'd prefer ihaving it 
dyed, say, a light blue than to attempt cleaning. Now, this cliiffon 
scaj-f (it is white) you can make pink, antl here's a crepe clc cliine 
waist I want colored mauve. The baby's iio'xl you can color to 
jiiatch tlie cloak and I siiall tlien line it with wliitc satin wlicn it 
comes back. Now, this silk-vehet opera cloak (it is light gray) 
can be cleaned perhaps; if you dtjn't think it would clean well, 3'ou 
ciu\ dye it American Beauty. 

F. D. W.— 

(Beginning' to roll up the garments on the table.) 

6 



It cnn't be done, Airs. Forbes. Your garments are not fit to 
dye! 

HELEN— 

(Witli liall-siii>i)re.'<.se(l Imt sparkling- laiighttir.) 

Why, Madam, I have never detected a one of them in an im- 
moral act in their young lives! 

F. D. W.— 

(Not .seeing- tlie point.) 

The infant's cloak has not enough wool; same with the hood; 
chilTon is too delicate; crepe do chine can't ne dyed; it rots; the 
opera cloak would become stiff. As for cleaning it, we could take 
no responsibility. It would probably shrink to under-size. 

HELEN — But why do ]> ou advertise that you dye? You exliibit 
things like these in your window. Why do you 

F. D. W. — We could take no responsibility. As for the scarf, 
it might possibly take a n tldish-l)rown, but we do not racoiTimend 
that. 

HELEN — But if I am willing to take the risk, how much must 
I pay for the experiment? 

F. D. Wj — Our terms are strictly ca,sh„ von know. It xvould 
probably not cost more thar. tliree (.lollars. 

HELEN — But t)lie scarf cost only $1.89 in the first place! 

(Impiessixe silence. FORBES. wIkj lias l)een in and 
out right still working- at tlie rim, now takes cognizance 
of the negotiations through tlie back dooi'.) 

Never mind; I'll take them son-ie where else, 

(as she g-athers them ii-i a Inindle and tlirows them in 
a large pan in the sink.) 

F. D. W. — -Tliat's perfectly all rig^ht. And I bid you good 
morning. 

(Kxit rig-ht up. FOKBES busies himself about the 
porcli. HRI^EN finds another dye adverti.senmts in tha 
paper.) 

HELEN— Here's another one, Danny. (Reads) 

WHITE & BLEW 
CLEANERS & DYERS 



(To FORBES.) 
Well! Talk about a predestined vocation! What's in a name! 

(Reading-.) 

BRING DOWN OLD H. C. L. 

LET US RENEW YOUR WORN GARMENTS 

Telephone 1324 We do the rest 

(Postman's whistle sminds off left.) 

The mail! 

(Exit left; soon I'sturns witli some advei'tising- eiroulars 
and "CLASSICAL PHILOLOGY;" nt .inck door.) 

Oh, Danny! Here's your article on "ENCLITICS IN THE 
ODYSSEY." 

FORBES — Is it? All riglit. Possildy tliat migiit repair one 
of these tires. 

(Readies for tlie masazine; looks throupii it; mean- 
while.) 

HELEN— 1-3-2-4 — Is this White & Blew — Will you call at 
358 College Avenue for some work? — Professor Forbes — can you 
come soon? — All right. Thank you — Good-liye. (Replaces re- 
ceiver) Now we'll see what ihappens. (Exit left). 
(Enters FIRST TIRE MAN.) 

F. T. M.- — Good morning, Professor. (Greetings mutual) Head- 
ing over directions for vulcanizing? 

FORBES— 

(Absent nundedly.) 

No; was just looking over a discussion on (:>nclitics. 

F. T. AI. — I'll stake a montli's \vages the battery we handle 
beats that one all hollow. Of course, I don't know nuthin' abdUl 
the enclitex, but it stands to reason that it would h,i\r in.idc ;i 
reputation if it coulld make good. N'ou can try enclitex if \<ui 
want to experiment; but yoii'll find it costly. 

FORBES — I am more interc-stcd in tires iust now. Here is a 
tube to be- patched and \-ulcaniz(>d; !)a(l blow-on t. Now, this lube 
(pointing to a casing) is not far gone, but it has a very weak nbice 
in it. There's another one; look them ( ver. 



F. T. M.— 

(With a few deft movements he leiiioves tlie tires from 
the rim that FOKBKS had been stiusgliny wilii: examines 
the two casings inside and out.) 

Well, l^rofessor, your tires aint no good. How many miles 
have you run "em? 

FORBES— Thirty-five hundred and thirty-eigiit hundred, re- 
spectively. 

F. T. M.^ — You've run tliis un too loose — rim-rut — have to 
be re-lined and re-soled both — cost as much as a now tire. Then 
that one has been run too tiglht. Had your blow-out with it, 
didn't you? 

FORBES — No, with the other one. 

F. T. M. — Well, it's been too tight. T|hey yit pow'rful tigh.t 
on a hot day, 'specially when you run last. — \ow, I tell you, — 
we've got some seconds in — • right ()ui here in my truck — just 
got 'em from the freig-ht house on my wa^ o\er liere. I'll, l)ring 
you in a couple, ajid you'll say in a ;i'f\- the\ 're the Ixsl liaryaiu 
you ever seen. 

(Kxit for tiies.) 

(HET.EN entei-s left and goes to rlie hack door.) 

HELEN — Wouldn't ihe take them, l)ann\? 1 didn't thinlc l.c 
would, just like the dye woman. 

FORBES — He's just gone to his l; nek to brin.!. in some new 
tires. 

HELEN — Well^ did you ever! An] paying for space in the 
papers to tell us tJiey can repair what we would think imi)ossil,le' 
(F. T. M. I'e-enters witli four new casings.) 

F. T. M.' — Now, iiere's wliat we call a secontl. Just as good as 
a first — same tread — same thickness of sole — just a few little 
imperfections in molding — the average man couUln't tell it from a 
hrst. Now tHiat casing will go for $2b. You can liave it for fz^. 
If 1 take it to tiie sf'ore, it'll be snappe<l up before the middle of 
the afternoon at 2(1. This other se(:ond you can ha\'e for 2.5. Just 
as good as that one — not (|uite so free from imperfections — 
will run just as far. You can take 'em both for $15 — and you'll 
never see a better bargain. 

FORBES— 

(Interrupting.) 

Hold on here! I sent for you to gel these tires to be repaired. 

9 



You advertise that you repair wiiat I miglit tliink impossible. Now, 
1 think these outer tubes can be repaired — Just took them off 
tlie wheels — been running on them! I'd like to see a man that 
will do what he says lie will. Take your tires! I'll repair these 
myself! 

(K.xit F. T. M. with ea.sings luu riedlv. sa.ving- notliingr.) 

HELKN — Tiiey're running true to form, Danny. 

FORBES — Now, — where are thc-se instructions? (Looks 
about) Here! 

(Keads instruction booklet and tlien tries to use a tube 
vuleanizer on a casing.) 

HELEN — Pet, do you tjhink that's the way they do it? 

(.SECOND DYE WOMEN enters. She is a stout \vonian. 

of extremely cheery disposition, and cmite decided in tone 
and manner. FOllBES continues cluni -;il.\-.) 

How do you do! (Mutual greetings) You called for those gar- 
ments to be dyed? 

S. D. W. — Yes, if you pleasei. I iiave ever so many more to 
collect, so 1 must liasten aiound. 
(Enters kitchen.) 

HELEN — Here they are. (Places them on the table) This 
wiiite cliiffnn scarf 1 want a delicate pink. 1 think it would hardly 
l)ay to clean the baby's cloak, so you can dye it light bliue, and 
here's the liood — dye it to match, and I'll lilne it with white satin 
afterwards. Do yoLi tihink this oper i cloak lould be cleaned? 
(S. D. W. shakes her head negatively) Well, mak( it American 
Beaut\'. -And t;his waist \<)U cam cohu' m;uive. 

S. 1). W. — I woudn't do a tiling lo them, Misses. We couldn't 
guarantei" an\tliing alioul them. The opera cloak would become 
flimsy wluii dyed, and ifd probably S'l:rink if you tried to clean 
it. The bab\-'s cloak has too much wool to d\'c well; same with 
the hood. The crepe de chine waist would become stiff ami liarsh 
if you tried to dye it. The chifftm scarf is too siieer. (Gives a 
deprecatorj' wave of her hand) I woudn't d(. a thing to 'cm. 

HELEN — How do you make a. living' and pay taxes, if yon 
won't dye people's things? 

S. D. W. — Oh, I could dye them, Init 1 wouldn't stand respon- 
sible for results. Now, the only thing 1 would cxen attemjit is 
the scarf; it miglht possibly take a reddish-brown, — (Helen is al- 
most convulsed in suppressing merriment) — but I wouldn't ad- 
vise that. 



HELEN^ — If I am willing- to tak-,^ the ro-;pnnsil)ility foe the 
scarf, what would you charge? 

S. D. W.— 

(Takes uii the iscarf.) 

Well, I can't say. Sometimes we have to taki^ 'em through 
several courses. It would not be over three autl .1 half. 

HELEN — Why, that scarf cost onh- $1.81, now! 1 don't Icnow 
ihow you people make a living if you won't woik. I'll do these 
things myself! 

(Throw.s garments Imck into sink. F.sW S. 1 ). W. liglit; 
exit HKLEN left.) 

FORBES — Seven iiundred eleven — beg your pardon? — oh! seven 

double one — that it? — Tliank you. — Hello — call at 358 Col- 
lege A\'enue for some tiies to be repaired — • Mr. I'orbes • — • yes — 
at once — -(Hangs up) 

(Turns to go out left; GHOCKR l!OY, ,ige about IM or 
14, enters right up witli arms full of grocery packages; 
trips up o\er a lifting Jack, nearly f.ills, and lets ;i safety 
ca.se of eggs f.'dl — half a dozen will be sufficient — .-ind 
they land in .-in aluminum pan which f!l-JLl':N' had inad\'-it- 
ently left on .1 ch;iir on the porch. l''tjftP.10S i\ishes out to 
porch exciteiU.v.) 

FORBES — What's the matter out here! Now see what you 
done! did! Eggs at seiventy-two cents a dozen, and the cost of 
living g-oing up all t|he time! 

HELEN— 

(Knters left; coming to porch; sweetly. j 

Anything wrong, Danny? 
FORBES— Wrong! Look here! 

G. B.— 

(Timidly.) 

Well, Professor, — y — y — you h'l't tliat i;u-k in m\- way. 
(Gaining assurance) You see. Professor, jacks are not made to 
imt on back porclies — 

FORBh'S — Eyes are made to see witli, my boy! You could 
ha\'e stumbled over ten thousand things before \-ou leaclied t!iat 
lifting jack. And now, >()u will go right back and get another 
dozen of eggs; we need them for luncli. You'll have to pay for 
the eggs, doubtless, but it will teach you a Wesson. 



HELEN— 

(To inkldle of pni-c.li.) 

Why, look here! Of all things! Every last egg fell into this 
pan! It's clean; I had just wasthed and scalded it tlioroughly. (G. 
B. has been laying down his packages, and is about to depart) 
Hold on, young man! You won't have to pay for those eggs. 
We'll just have scrambled eggs for lunch. Have you eaten yet? 
(G. B. shakes his head) You stay right here and eat scraml)led 
eggs with us. Perhaps lifting jacks will take the hint and not 
get in people's way in the future. Professor Forbes will go see 
if the milk has come. 

(Exit FoliBKS left, meekness ])ersoMiHed. Helen during- 
this speech ha.s put a skillet on the electric range with 
lard in it. and then busies herself with other things in - 
getting the lunch re.idy. At the tel(;i>hone; looks in the 
directory.) 

Nine-oih-seven — Please call at 358 College Avenue for rome 
garments 1 want dyed — Professor Forl)es — yes — right away 
— very good — g'ood-bye. 

(FOKIilOS le-enters with milk bottle, which he sets on 
the cabinet. He tlien goes nit on i.orch. HI-^l.lOX continues 
preparations for lunch.) 

FORBES— 

(Picking up the vulcmizei- ,nnd stniiding- one f)f the cas- 
ings up.) 

Do you know how to work a x'ulcanizer like tliis, boy? 

G. B. — Yes. Sir; you i>ut tlic inner tube through there and 
]iour in 

FOKBES — \o, I moan on t'his big tire; here's tlie place, 
(i'oints to blow-out.) 

G. B.— Oil iwh ha! ha! ha! ha! 

\\'h\-, I'roft-ssor, this is not made to vulcar.izo a casing. You 
can't fix lasings! You'll liaf to ha\-e the garodge do tbat. 

k'OKBKS — Do \i)u mean to say tliat this vulcanizer will not 
jialcli onlei tubes? 

G. B. — You don't call tliem outer tub(>s. Professor; you call 
these casings; that's tlie inner tulie. 

FOIH'.l^IS — Well, if there's an inner tube, there must be an 
outer tube. They are antitiietic terms. 

G. B.— Aunty what? 

U 



FORBES— Well I guess you haven't had that yet. 

G. B. — No, I guess not; I ain't had nothin' but mumps and 
chicken pox. 

FORBES — You're lucky, my boy. 

G. B. — No, Professor; you patqh the inner tube witli Ih^j vul- 
canizer, and you send the casings to tlie garodge. Now, let's get 
to work on this tube. 

HELEN— 

(At the back door.) 
Come to lunch, Danny, and you, too — what is your name? 

G. B. — They call me Fatty for short. 
(He is very lean an tall.) 

HELEN— Well, Fatty, you'll Hnd a basin in the sink if you 
want to wash your hands. 

(G. B. and l<"UKBii:.S wji.sli hands; towels on rod ,it liand. 
All sit at ta))le. Heads Ixnved a nionii-!iit in silence. Busi- 
ness of eating.) 

HELEN — Your article on enclitics will make lliem sit U|) au..l 
take notice, I dare say, Profeescjr Forbes. — Will vou liave iam, 
Fatty? 

G. B. — Yes, ma'm, if you please. 

FORBP2S — Oh, no, Helen, very simple — quite ordinary. 

^- B. — I never heard of enclitex before. Is that a new spark 
plug, Professor? 

(Helen Hnds dirTlculty in keeiiing her lace straif^lit.) 
FORBES — No, Eatt\-, that's a sort of universal coupler. 
G. B.— Use 'em on tiliese four-wheel-d; i\-e trucks. 1 s'i)ecl. 

(Baby cries off left. Kxit HKI.K.X .uid returns witli a 
six-months baby. Takes its bottle out :jf the cabinet. Holds 
it on her lap at tlie table. The baby feeds from bottle, and 
HELKN resumes eating'. If the baby cries inucli, it can lie 
taken out at once.) 

G. B. — Why, Professor, I didn't know you had a baby! 
FORBES — There it is; doesn't it resemble me? 
G. B.^ — Well, no — not very much. 

(FORBES laughs; HELEN shows contusion.) 
How can you afford a baby and an automobile both. Professor? 
FORBES — 1 can't. Fatty! I bought the automobile with my 
eyes open; the baby was just forced on to me. 

13 



(G. B. laughs heai'tily. Business of eatins still.) 

G. B. — Wliat slitnv's tlic cullej4e got in l)<i6eball this season. 
Professor? 

FORBES— All right; they have a team. 

G. B.— Old players all back? 

FORBES — 1 really can't say. Johnson is tlirowing, and Ward 
and Townsend are pbayiny left hack ,ind ri.uht back, respectively. 

G. B. — They haf to. The day's i)asl a\ lien > on can sass the 
empire. I'm goiny to be ketuher \v1hen I yet in college; that gives 
a feller tiie chanct to talk a good 'eal. 

(Tliey jiri.se from the table. Kxit i;j';iJ':X lelt with the 
ljal).v. G. H. and FOKUKS go to the pureli.) 

G. B. — Holy Gee! W'hat ha\c I i)een at! The boss'll be readv 
to tlirow a lit. He'll think I've had fonr blow-onts. — Em certainly 
much obliged to \-ou I'er \er dinner, i^rofessor. Tell Mrs. Forbes 
"Thiink yon" I't-r nie. Mayl)e \"oli bhink I won't lial to Llri\e now. 

(K\it right up; then sound of auti nuiiliil^^ Imiii off left. 
FOKBK.S suive.vs the porch. .SECOXl) TIHIO M.\X enter.s 
right ui>.) 

FORBES — How do you do, Sir. Here they ;ire, all ready for yuu. 

S. T. M. — You wotddn't find it \-er\- easy to do your own re- 
pairing, I judge. 

FORBES — W^ell, I am somuwJial of ;'. no\ice, but 1 ha\e idways 
been able to learn anytliing I set out to do. 

S. T. M. — Yes, you coidil learn to do it, all right. But you see, 
a man's got to be hxed for it. You haf to ha\e a lot of tools and 
things to work with. 1-^or all the i-epairing you hiuc, it wouUln't 
pay you to in\-eisl in tools and machitiery to do that kind of 'vork. 
unless you owned a fleet of trucks or taxicabs. 

(THlltl) J)YK W'OMAX enter.s; she is a young woman of 
about ■-••"'i, ieasonal)ly pretty, and tiuitc business-like.) 

FORBES — Good afternoon 
(Pause.) 

T. 1). W. — Is this Professor Forbes? 

FORBES— Yes, Madam. 

14 



T. D. W. — Some one telephoned that you have some garments 
to 'he dyed. 

FORBES— Oh, yes; I'll call Mrs. Forbes. (At door up left) Oh, 
Helen! 

HELEN— Yes. 
(Off left.) 

FORBES— Woman here to get your clothes. (To T. D. W.) 
Just step in. 

(She does so . S. T. M. in the niu;. ntiiiie e.\ainiiies Ih.e 
tires and becomes impatient at the delay. ]<'(.)1\1->ES is in- 
terested in the ne8<jtiations over tlie clotlies and stays in 
the Ivitchen. HKl.KX enters left.) 

HELEN — Good afternoon; — or is it nuon yet? Here are the 
things. 

(Talies them fi-om -a nan in tlie .-^liik and < lears a i)ha-e 
on tlie table foi' them.) 

Here's t1ie l)a.liy's cloak and liuutl — waul them light blue. 
You may color this waist mauve, and tliis scarf i^ink. Now, wliich 
do you think wouhl be best to do, — dry clean this opera cloak, 
or dye it American Beauty? 

T. D. W.— 

( Handling the yarments; pause.) 

I tell >oLi wliat, latly, t!iere ain't a thing in your cuUection 
tliat's wortli coloring; but if you want me to tak'- llie haiby's cloak 
and hood and the scarf, at your risk, we'll do the best we can, — 

(FOKBES and HKl^lO.X exchange Knowing ;;nd amu.^eil 
looks while she says this .likI is intent. <in the gaiments.) 

— only, we're so busy that you can't get your things back for 
about two months. 

HELEN — Very well,, 1 will take all risks. I'm very nuicli 
obliged to you for consenting to do something that you adxertise 
to do — it is unusual,; and I will pay C. O. D., if 1 am still living 
when my things are dyed. 

(Business of rolling uu the baljy's rloak anti hood and 
the scarf.) 

T. D. W. — We can't always tell in ad\ancc just what to oharge, 
but the scarf will not come at more t'um four dollars, and — 

HELEN— Four dollars! Why, I bought that ^carf new for a 



dollar eighty-nine. I'd better use it for a dish towel, and buy two 
new scarfs witli my four dolalrs! I don't want anything dyed! 

T. D. W.— All rigiht. (Coolly) Good-bye. 
(Kxit light UD.) 

(FOKBKS goes uut to poifh. 1IKI.EN sets about pre])ar- 
ation.s. put.s water on to heat, rolls up her sleeves, gathers 
utensils togetlier. reacLs dyeing- cHrections. ind so forth, in 
a flustered mood. At the same time on the porch the follow- 
ing.) 

S. T. M.' — Weill, I'rofeshor, tjhese tires aint very much. We've 
got a big run on tlie Diadem Tires jusi now, — priced way down. 
And then we've got some seconds that you can have fer practically 
second hand priceis. They're new tires and just as yood as firsts — 
only a, tiny flaw or two that you can't notice, and are guaranteed — 

FORBES — Great Jupiter, Mercury, and all the Olympian.,' I'll 
lind somebody that will talk business. (Exit S. T. M.; I<"ORBES at 
telephone) Two-tjhrce — Is this the junk man? 

(Quick curtain.) 




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